Self Confidence, what lies within that feeling which causes us to walk in pride, push our shoulders back, stand tall and glide through life in ease? That feeling of openness and knowing that our statements really matter? What makes us that force of attraction that causes people to gravitate toward our unique qualities like an unstoppable magnet?
It never seems to amaze me the amount individuals that have such a hard time grasping this skill. We have all been gifted a life of individuality and uniqueness, for me this alone should be enough to prove our greatness toward the world. That no one within this reality is an exact replica of who you are, not even close. I really want to dwell within this topic and yes I want to get personal.
So much confusion surrounds our understanding of who we are and what is acceptable of us to fit within an ever changing world. From social norms, to our appearances, carrier paths and our personality or the personality’s we believe we should be acting out. We all know we are our own worst critics! But all these understandings are not a true essence of who we really are, these factors of assurance we rely so heavily on are just the range of different outfits we choose mix and match in order to seem presentable within the external reality. These promising traits are a way for the world to assess our compatibility within different settings and social groups, I believe this is what causes a hindrance within that hidden confidence we all possess. It’s not the traits that do us wrong, but the way we shape our understandings around them and how we measure them in an external way.
We all have idols, people we admire and even obsess over, but it is important to realize that we are all the same creation in a different flesh. That everyone within this realm of reality is unique and one of a kind. The difference between one that holds themselves with pride and continuously self-reassures themselves of their amazingness, is that they accept themselves in all their entirety. They acknowledge their flaws not as a negative but as a unique trait and a source of motivation toward the traits that they wish to work on. We must really understand that flaws are not something that are to be frown upon, but a trait of uniqueness.
The Japanese have a saying “Wabi-sabi” which is a concept that explains that beauty is within the imperfection, it’s within the Authentic, the uniqueness.
I believe we are all on even playing fields, where one individual lacks in imagination one excels in analytical and where one lacks in passion another excels in communication etc. We all have amazing traits and we all unlike another. That’s why we have doctors, actors, teachers and scientists. There is room for everyone, this is why the world is so interesting and exciting. Forget about appearances, forget about your thoughts of inadequacy and forget about how the external world see’s you! This is an internal experience.
Individuals may pressure us into following the herd of social norms, others will even criticize us, however it is not up to them to take on this leadership of your life and try to lead you down a path of consistency. We are the captains of our ship and that’s the best part about this whole experience!
We all have flaws, we all have parts of our personality’s that require work but all this can be changed with the right approach and mind-set. We tend to be discouraged over the smallest things, we lose our confidence and motivation so often duly because others don’t take the time to appreciate our uniqueness and to be quite honest we lose sight of it ourselves and put too much emphasis on the reactions others submit to us. Let’s face it we are who we are and there is no mistake about it. This is what we have been given and we must learn to embrace ourselves for who we are. Beauty is not forever, material and money doesn’t shape the individual we truly are within. Peer pressure isn’t someone holding us at point blank forcing us to change who we are, but it often feels that way. So many times we sabotage our morals and even give into the feeling of inadequacy duly because we feel we must be doing certain things to feel accepted via the external world. We make unrealistic expectations toward ourselves in order to feel that we are worthy of accepting ourselves or even worthy of the external world. “We must have a successful carrier, we must get our bodies in shape, we must have a nice car”, these understandings are only a way to measure up the external world and outer expectations of what we should be. We live in a world of unlimited expectations via a limited and confused understanding from our external reality. We live through the eyes of the external world acting on the impulses we believe will be admired or even respected. We often neglect ourselves and silence our internal intuition thinking there is something wrong within our makeup because we have a different view on things that the majority of others feel may be weird or unacceptable. In return we became confused, scattered and we eventually fall into the role of a pleading child just looking for attention from the external because we never learnt to accept ourselves internally.
There is something amazing about how some hold themselves. There is something infectious about it wouldn’t you say. This is Self-confidence, Self-pride, Self-praise acceptance and love for who they are.
There are two types of confidence that are very evidently seen within us all. There is Situational confidence and internal or subconscious confidence. Both states are one of the same however one is situational and another is a true internal acceptance.
Situational confidence is the most common of all, this confidence is built from the external world. It could be gained through carrier, for example. An individual that strives at work to continually push the boundaries and in return is praised and respected from their colleagues, receiving constant reassurance of their greatness. It could also be gained via ones position within an organization, such as a CEO or your boss. However in a different setting away from their profession such as, in a social event outside of their career with strangers, this individual will suddenly loose that spark and go back with their shell until they are put back into their comfort zone of their professional setting.
You can notice this type of confidence within middle age individuals at high school, they may be a different person within their social circle or at school until they come home and become the complete opposite. See they feel comfort and acceptance within their social circle and a sense of worth or belonging. This causes them to manipulate their understanding of what is expected of them. When they are outside of that setting they feel that others cannot understand them or accept them for who they are. Further they feel if they are seen with individuals that may cause them to lose value within their social circles eyes (Such as been seen with their parents for example) this may attract un-wanting labels toward them and may in return result in a loss of respect within their social circle and a lowering of their social status. This causes they become very cautious on how they are perceived within the external and consistently evaluating their actions they take.
On the other hand a subconscious confidence is in braced internally and spread throughout all walks of life. The individual that internally accepts themselves will embrace this confidence and incorporate it within each day and situation they are faced. Now don’t get confused with over confidence or cockiness as they say, as this is a situational confidence that is over supplementing another issue and masking a disappointment.
We focus only on the negative so often, we blame ourselves for the mishaps of the day thinking we are the ones at shame. This could be because we are living in “a receive to give world”, opposed to a give to receive. We even start to treat others with more respect only because of their external traits. Whist the individuals that are still trying to find their feet we consider them as weird or even a liability towards our struggle of happiness. Yes it is true, many of us still judge a book by its cover so often. We focus on the surface without really delving deep within ones soul and seeing what they earn for, what they are passionate about.
I hear quite commonly within relationships of how some individuals can’t seem to find Mr./Mrs. right “I don’t know why I always attract the party type or the type that is scared to commit”. But when we start looking within their patterns there are always a few similar traits they are attracted toward, which reassures the type they are attracting.
Anne never approaches a man she finds attractive, “If a man can’t come and at least introduce himself to me, then he is obviously not worth my time” she is constantly saying. However the guys that do approach her are often the guys that are the very self-assured and usually don’t treat her the way she is hoping. Yes there is a level of excitement and attraction, but she can’t seem to find that deep connection with them. Further, most of them don’t want to settle down and this causes Anne to keeps on complaining.
That our social understandings frown upon woman that take the initiative to initiate a conversation, they are seen as too eager and in return the girl is labelled all sorts of harsh and unacceptable words. (As a result, Anne comes to believe it is unacceptable for her to approach a man she finds attractive and this self-confidence trait is never developed in fear of being labelled or judged).
However when Anne does go out with the girls for a night to the town, there are night that she is not approached which makes her feel insecure. Truth is many guys are very attracted to Anne but they can’t seem to find the courage to approach. They fear rejection, they fear the social pressure of introducing themselves in front of all Anne’s friends etc. This straight away causes them to be disqualified as a potential suitor within Anne’s eyes. Little does Anne know that her confidence and a guy’s shyness could make an amazing match! There may be a genuine guy ready to commit to an everlasting relationship. At first he may be a little shy but once given the chance he opens up quite freely.
See we fall into these social expectations and understandings all the time, we take everything on a face or surface value dismissing that internal goals we are trying to achieve. Which eventually affects our own understanding.
Our social surroundings do shape us more than we know, we fear being labelled weird, however it is not a matter of being labelled weird, I call it being Authentic and taking charge of our own lives!
We all have the ability to be as great and as confident as we like, but what truly poisons our understandings that cause us to never even try is all shaped by our social environments. We find any excuses in the book to dismiss our efforts so quickly. We focus on all the irrelevant rather than the possibilities. “I can’t be sexy because I’m not that attractive” – Straight away we disqualify the thought due to a lack of self-acceptance/Self-Love and we never try it. “I can’t speak up within a social event, because what if I am shut down or made fun of” – Dreading the “what if’s” caused by our lack of self-respect, I won’t even attempt this because I will fail” – Caused by our lack of self-confidence and fear.
To be truly confident we must rid of the external self-assurance and embrace ourselves within. Acceptance of who we are always comes first, quality’s shine when we embrace them within. Love yourself, praise yourself, give yourself respect and accept the amazing person you are. Believe that anything is possible, if it has been done before there is your proof, if it hasn’t been done before embrace the challenge and prove yourself wrong. Rid of the criticism that you receive outside and keep persevering, words can’t hurt us until we believe them and except them internally.
We as humans are attracted to people that affect us on an emotional level, however we have to be feeling it ourselves first to transmit those feeling in others. Understand what areas of your life make you feel in control and confident, use that understanding in all areas of your life. Don’t fall into the trap of external acceptance just to feel your worth because the truth is you are not feeling that worth within yourself but only in the eyes of others. Study your idols and people you respect, understand what it is that causes you to feel inspired or attracted to them. Is it their uniqueness, their positivity or the way they dress? Captivate these traits within yourself and give yourself permission to do it. Act on your passions, express yourself openly, truly accept and love the amazing person you are within. Feel a sense of belonging within yourself first that way you always feel grounded, this is the key to an everlasting Confidence and glow.
We are all unique and amazing, it all start within ourselves when we believe it. It may feel uncomfortable at first stepping out of our comfort zone but eventually we will continuously build this internal acceptance and become more and more self-confident, it will become second nature.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s post and look forward to reading everyone’s amazing insights.
Until next time, Take care.