Relationship Roles- Behind Enemy Lines

Early on within a relationship we start assessing our potential suitors in every way imaginable, to make things even worse we start assessing them under the microscope. What one may consider small talk in order to fill the gaps of silence and minimize their uncomforted, others will interoperate in a completely reverse understanding by analyzing each and every sentence to make an assumption of who we really are! After a substantial amount of time within a relationship we continue to learn more about who our partners really are and just as we thought we knew everything there was to know, Boom! it all starts crumbling down.

Let’s fast forward now, assuming we have now past the attraction stage flown though the honeymoon phase, somehow crawled through the cluster of doubts and second guessing that start to surface, climbed over the early commitment phase to now we find ourselves swimming in the oceans of love and acceptance, which can be a constant battle of tides as we all know. Every relationship evolves and it is required to evolve for us to grow, the problem is when the relationship evolves from two separate mind-sets opposed to one. Let’s explore the struggles of an ongoing relationship that has suddenly taken a detour, separating two individual that were once raising the same flag into complete strangers trying to defend their territory. Let’s go behind enemy lines!

Personalities can be quite tricky, there is something fascinating about the way we subconsciously take on these so called roles in a relationship over time. The most amazing thing about it is that we are usually the last to realize our behaviors.  We are constantly trialing new behavioral traits all the time, some are seasonal where others come to stay. The ones that come to stay eventually merge within our daily routines, infect our personalities and appear within our communication patterns without us even realizing. We come to believing that these behaviors are acceptable and a necessity to keep our relationships in check and yes, we eventually practice them to perfection.

Within a relationship couples generally take on roles and responsibilities of who they are within the partnership and what is expected of them, missing the true fundamentals that had blossomed the relationship from the very beginning. We start to change our outlook on the relationship and eventually start to look at it as a second career. We all know that relationships require work, but it shouldn’t be this hard right!

Many relationship roles start fazing in and out dependent on the issues that arise within the partnership. Many of these roles are caused from a frustrated and confused state of mind. Some take on the parental role, making sure they keep their significant other in line by setting strict rules in order to encourage a change. Others take on the over protective role by consistently checking in with their partners to the point that their caring nature is misunderstood for clinginess. The problem with these self-assured roles we allocate toward ourselves is the effect it plays in the background and the hidden messages we are conveying within its delivery. We start to focus on the tasks at hand instead of the cause and response. Which can be very damaging within long term relationships. Others surrender to the potential of drama and continue to let things slip away in a way that projects themselves as inexistent just to avoid any form of conflict, thinking that they are more mature in doing so. However the more we continue to do these actions the more we reassure that this sort of behavior is acceptable. In other words we become predictable, we continue to damage our self-respect and self-confidence. We put our relationships at risk without us even knowing.

As humans we all urge to be understood, appreciated and listened to. There is nothing more disrespectful than another shutting us down and making us feel that our views are unexpected. In time this also breaks down our self-confidence and self-respect for ourselves and our partners. We start surfacing feelings of disappointment and frustration which causes us to act on pure emotion of the moment trying to defend our persona, which may come off us selfish or even childlike. We silence the understanding of others and how they may be feeling by creating a tunnel vision and a sense of inner war against each other. We sure do keep them guessing! Truth is when we fall victim to these patterns we continue to damage our relationships and cause boundaries to be crossed to a point of no return. We say things out of spite, confusion and anger which are usually an over exaggerated expression of our disappointments. This is caused by a years of suppression. We cluster our thoughts and build up walls within ourselves that Hercules himself couldn’t tear down. We continue to poison our understanding in the relationship by over analyzing sentences and expressions, treading on very thin and shallow water trying not to disturb the current. We make false expectations, unrealistic criteria’s that if we were to express to another they would probably call us crazy. We are all guilty of this one! In time we put so much pressure on the relationship it starts to become something more than a chore. It becomes another piece of evidence toward our disappointment that effects our entire outlook of life. A continuous chain reaction of negativity.

Our relationships start to become a tug a war marathon, deep down we want things to change however due to a feeling of disconnect we fear our next move. Others take on revenge tactics in order to evoke a sympathetic response and have our significant other realize that they may be in the wrong. The only problem here is that we are not mind readers and this behavior is interoperate in a negative mind-set.  There are even times that our significant others may go out of their way to do something special for us that we deeply admire and appreciate, however as a result we disqualify their efforts duly because they had made us feel that our efforts in the past were not appreciated. We try to evoke the same response in them in hope to teach them a lesson. Eventually our significant other feels that there is no winning and eventually dismisses these gestures for future use, thinking that it would be a waste of time. Some of us may even give up on the relationships at hand believing that it has become stale and eventually stop expecting so much and dismiss all efforts/thoughts of ever reviving them. It becomes a lost cause! We wait for our partners to do something amazing, just to show to us how they feel. However they fear the response they will receive by us because they have come to understand that we have both become two different individuals, fighting for different outcomes.

Truth is relationships are hard, however the question we should be asking ourselves is, was it hard in the very beginning. I know many will say, “It was different before, we have a fluster of hormones, excitement and lust present. Now we are just so use to each other, it’s not the same.” This is where we are wrong.

We have assessed over the years what is acceptable and what may be frowned upon within each other. We fear that we may come off as needy, over caring or rude and self-cantered if we were to completely open up. We fear that this behavior may cause another un-wanting element to the relationship. We fear of overdoing it and be made the fool. It is a two way street and it can be quite difficult when you can’t see eye to eye.

We eventually start living a one sided relationship, an internal war against two people not trying to win but to defend themselves. We start to in vision everything from a single frame of mind with no sense of togetherness. From the side line looking in, it seems as though both parties are continuously prepping themselves to reach a point that they can call the quits to the relationship but never do. They have dismissed all thoughts of reuniting and creating peace within each other. Thinking that it is too hard to revive a love that had once blossomed. All their actions are assessed from a bias stand point and they are aware of it. They start living a solo life within a partnership, giving each other more space than is required, sleeping in separate beds etc. Actions to further validate the state they are experiencing within the relationship. Avoiding unwanted conflict toward the things that should be shared and challenged together. They even start to create a strategic mind sets and routines to avoid conflict and drama which all put strain on a relationship and further reassures this misalignment within them.

After doing these routines for a long time, these behaviors and understandings eventually become a habit, their minds are influenced by a state of panic and they suddenly surrender. Couples may say things like, “I feel as though my partner does not understand me anymore” truth is that many of them don’t want to be understood, because then it will put more fault on themselves if we were to split. See everyone wants to take away the blame so they are not at fault however they are never really open to change and consideration to actually making it work. They have already made up their minds!

We fall into roles within relationships all the time, we all do. Some fall into more abundant roles where other fall into the negative ones. We start to compensate in areas the other lacks or believes they lack. This is a way of trying to teach our significant other to change their habits. In the interim we are conveying that our partners are not good enough and that we are unsatisfied with their efforts.

No one is perfect, relationships are hard, but we must remember the fundamentals of a partnership. It is the art of working together, merging our strengths and weaknesses in order to merge as one. It is a ritual that symbolizes togetherness, a way of complimenting each other and acceptance. To be open, loved and care for one another. It needs compassion, sympathy and understanding.

One thing we must understand about humans is that when really want something that bad, we do let go of our egos and commit to do all it takes to get what we want when we feel confident toward it. We become vulnerable and outgoing when there is a chance that we can get what we want. Someone that falls into the pattern of “why do I always have to be the one” is acting from fear. Now if you are the one that always tries to fix the relationship and you are genuinely satisfied with everything you have done and by this I am saying that we have expressed your intentions openly, put yourself on the line and are actively trying to make it work, but your significant other is not supporting you and assisting you. Then it may be that they have made up their minds up and this is where you should be openly expressing your true feelings to one another. Like I have explained in my previous post “Battle of Tides – https://simplisticinsights.wordpress.com/2017/02/21/battle-of-tides-eliminating-all-future-regrets/” We all have the right of free will. It may be better to call the quits under these circumstances, but this decision is yours to make and express toward your significant other.

Many of us within these circumstances seem to dance around the fire because we fear the unknown and to be honest we fear the effort that is required. However trust me, there is only good things to be gained once we commit to working on our relationships.

Pay attention the next time you are feeling uncertain and acting solely on your emotions, understand the elements that trigger your responses. Realize that instead of focusing on the tasks at hand, really understand the situation and what the underlining intentions are. We carry so much grief and so much disappointments around with us, that it is impossible to suppress a world of negativity for very long. Eventually the pressure will explode and cause damage in un-wanting areas. It is like a jar, the more it fills the quicker it starts overfilling flooding areas of our lives that were meant to remain dry without us even knowing it. We express our disappointments in all different events and setting which only adds to the confusion present and further poisoning the approach of our significant others. We have them thinking that their abundant behaviors are unwanted due to past disappointments that have occurred. In return they feel that their efforts are no accepted in the way they were hoping for us to respond. In turn they label this approach as unacceptable and never try it again!

We can always relight that feeling of love and togetherness, there is always hope.

It first starts with an open understanding from both parties, this conversation is a must! There must be an agreement from both parties and a consistent approach for change. Pay attention to your approach together in different settings and start to make a list of the things that annoy you or make you feel discomfort. Understand what your strengths and weaknesses are and compensate toward your approach. Work together to perfect your flaws and in return you will both learn something more about each other in the process. Question each other and put a pause on the events that start to get out of hand, then break it down together. Make it fun by introducing code words and quirky names with each other, get involved and participate as a team. Be open to criticism and accept the response your partner gives you, understand why they feel the way they do, surrender to your ego and share your internal feelings openly. You must become vulnerable. Question the things that may seem not so genuine within your partner’s expectations, learn to compromise and sympathize. Look at your partner the way you looked at them when you first fell in love. Soul gaze and experience that genuine feeling of togetherness, that feeling of longing and knowing that you will never let the relationship drift this far away again. Express your feelings, appreciate them and most importantly listen to one another!

By acknowledging the areas that require work and agreeing to work on them is half the battle. Let’s embrace this love again and work together to further enrich our lives for the better.

I hope you have enjoyed my post this week, Please feel free to comment and express your insights.

Until Next Time, Take Care.