Let’s take a journey down memory lane, to see how certain situations and behaviors may have subconsciously imbedded within our mind-sets to confuse our ongoing approach when it comes to relationships and perfecting our approach toward our significant others in our current or new relationships. Let’s visit those past relationships, especially those that may have made us feel a little insecure unwanted and unsatisfied. Those experiences that may of left resentment within ourselves, regrets and negativity.
There are generally two approaches and understandings humans take away from any experience. One is positive and the other is negative. Have you ever noticed how certain events can influence the approach we take today within similar occasions? Dependent on the responses we receive from the individuals we are presenting them to. These understandings in time will start to incorporate toward our acceptance criteria that we believe may be desire from others.
Within each relationship we continue to grow our understanding of what is acceptable and how our personality’s and approaches should be altered to suit a more promising outcome. But what I find extremely fascinating, is how much an individual will change their approach due to the experiences and situations they are exposed to during their past relationships or those events of importance within their lives. I’ve seen many individuals change dramatically, altering their approaches, interests, even the way they communicate to the point that we find it hard to believe the person that they once were before. Sure many will say that relationships are a way to grow more mature and learn, which I agree with one hundred percent. However it depends on how the lessons are internally understood.
First of all we are all unique, we all react and respond in different ways. Where it gets tricky is when we experience an amazing relationship with a partner that has completely swept us off our feet, which causes us to adjust all our personality traits in order to secure that unique relationship. We open up and genuinely start to express ourselves in all different ways. The problem lays when the receiving party disregards our efforts toward certain situations, which then causes us to second guess our understanding. This then starts the altering process that makes us change, even in the most subtle of ways. We notice a change in the dialogue we speak, our communication patterns solely because the receiving party does not approve of our previous behaviors. See we start to adjust our approach to suit a unique point of view and acceptance. The key word here is Unique! The hardest thing is when these relationships end and we continue to incorporate these once accepted behavioral patterns solely because we believe these are the traits that are respected to attract a similar person that we once fell in love with.
In reverse our prior partners will understand the less attractive behaviors we performed during the partnership (or they believed were a flawed approach) that don’t resonate with them and dismiss all future relationships on these traits alone, reading ones entire character solely on a behavior that they have come to believe as negative. Many individuals will continue to initiate new relationships with individuals that resemble past relationships that had failed in the past. It’s fascinating to see how once an emotionally attached relationship has ended, the individual that felt as though the relationship ended prematurely and was not entirely ready to move on will be attracted to a similar type of suitor. Similarities may appear in appearance, culture, career or even interests. See the person that has not entirely accepted the breakup will try to find a suitor that is similar solely because they have associated the understanding of togetherness and love with this type of person and come to believe that a similar individual will have the same traits as their previous spouse. With that said if it was a negative experience then we will usually avoid these sort of traits or even be cautious around them. The problem with this understanding is that we are all unique and nobody is alike another. Sure there may be resemblances however due to ones upbringing and personal experiences they will vary dramatically. We even start to focus on subtle signs that we have come to believe are warnings of a similar event taking place. However how can it be the same when we are dealing with a completely new individual? Many times we will even evoke the responses we want through our behavioral patterns only so we can justify our own egos and make us believe that we were right all along.
The troubling thing about this approach is that some of us will incorporate the so called strengths of our past spouse or negative behaviors “Things our spouse used against us to make them seem more superior or give them the upper hand” and transfuse this behavior within the new partnership. Thinking it will be a way of us to secure our position and a way to avoid further hurt. We even notice our previous so called flawed approach within our past relationship and dismiss any kind of behavior within our new spouse, forgetting the fundamentals of why they may be behaving in such a way. Eventually we become the person they were hurt by without even realizing it!
We are all unique, we all have our quirks. The way we present ourselves is our own understanding and way of showing the world who we are. We shouldn’t dismiss these positives we have in order to seem presentable toward another. Yes sometimes we can be overly expressive or overly talkative, but in the same respect we can be overly loving and positive as well. These surface level understandings we use to interoperate another are very limiting pieces of information. Now there are always things that we can reflect upon in time that we honestly believe require a bit of work and this is all part of growing and learning. If we honestly feel that there are areas of ourselves that requires work, I really do encourage this understanding. But it is important not to change our internal happiness to the point that we are constantly second guessing everything we are doing. We must be ourselves, it should be effortless. What one may find as annoying or immature another will find as amazing and perfect. We so often change our understanding to suit people we admire or even obsess over to seem normal and accepted. But as we know there is no such thing as normal! We are all unique with our own approach toward the world. What is normal anyway? Normal is the act of a certain behavior that is believed to be acceptable to your current environmental or social surroundings, that’s all!
It seems after an emotional relationship has ended we start to construct the Great Wall of China within our hearts and defend it at all costs! We start to assess all our past relationships and events with a bias minset and continue to add to the criteria of what we want in another, until our perfect partner is inexistent. To be committed to a relationship we must rid the ego and understand our worries and discomforts. Most importantly understand where they stem from. Are they from a negative experience or from a positive one? Realize the things that we really appreciated and incorporate it within our responses to others. Rid the negativity and rid the expectations we may have and let it flow naturally.
The behavioral patterns we come resented in past relationships should be a learning experience toward the types of behaviors we wish to dismiss within ourselves. We should understand what did and what did not compliment those experiences. Some of us confuse negative behaviors as a sense of strength, reminiscing of how these our previous flawed approaches affected us within the relationship. It is important to remember that these flawed approaches may not transmit the same response in another completely new individual.
Understand that each and every person is unique and different, we subconsciously associate appearances, culture, behaviors and even dialog toward events and individuals that remind us of past events when truth be told there is really no resemblance at all.
Understand that the behaviors we have expressed in the past which were acceptable or even dismissed will receive a different response toward a new individual. Remember that new relationships are a new slate and are a new beginning of getting to know someone and for them to get to know you from the very beginning. We must all have an open mind and experience the relationship for what it is in a completely new way. Really understand yourselves and what you respond to and don’t forget to honor the approach that makes you happy.
Once we understand this teaching we can really hone into the quality’s we admire in others. It is important to really assess if these qualities are something we genuinely admire internally or if they are a quality that we have come to think we admire only because we are associating it to another. Further we can assess our approach toward new relationships and see how we have grown our understanding of who we are and also assess where we may be substituting elements of our happiness only to seem more presentable toward others.
Relationships and all life’s events present an opportunity for us to learn more about ourselves. So next time you see a behavior that makes you feel discomfort, question where it stems from and understand what response it resonates within you. See if it may be a bias understanding caused by a previous event and perfect your approach. Let’s learn and Grow in all life challenges together.
I hope you enjoyed this post, Please feel free to comment.
Until Next Time, Take Care